Television preview & Vicks hand sanitizer

Well I'm sat at work, creating insanely great web applications. I receive a call on my cellphone. It is my mother.

I've got these tickets in the mail today, to this thing. Do you want to go to some TV preview this evening, you get to see some TV and might win some prizes.

So I say yes, dad agreed. We were to be there at 1900, at a hotel on the other side of town.

Once we arrived we took a drink in on of the hotel's bars. There was a sign on the door of the suite this company had booked, saying doors open at 1915. Once we'd finished our drinks there was a fair sized queue which swelled some more after we'd joined until about 200 people were awaiting entry.

We were shown into the conference room in groups of maybe 50. I assume each group was given the same chat which consisted of "It is going to take two hours, you can't leave once it's started. You will be shown two shows, one show called Soulmates and a second a sitcom called City"

Upon entry to the venue, tickets were taken and there was a bit of a free for all at the back of the room where you could help yourselves to softdrinks, cordial, and mints. Once everyone was in the MC began his second spiel of the evening. A question pack was distributed that wasn't to be opened until told to do so, top secret. He explained something about the company Preview TV - information about how they used to do it (Three course meal with booze, but they stopped as it apparently effected results), how it was important that the opinions you write down about the programmes are you own and not your neighbors, you'd see programmes as you would at home, with adverts etc., both shows are from the 80s that are being considered for purchase and remaking.

The first task was to fill in a "prize" booklet - this was being done to allow them to deliver a correct prize package to you if you won. You were to select from well known consumer brands. Then they with those booklets the MC piles them up and ask for a volunteer from the audience. The chosen lady "randomly" selected from pile of entries three winners, each winner was handed a voucher and told to hold onto it until the end of the evening.

The first show was Soulmates, a truly awfully edited shoulder pad driven drama. It was about a psychologist who is treating a patient whom she recognizes from flashbacks she begins experiencing. Then a web of intrigue begins to unfold stretching back to the turn of the century involving a nobles daughter to a possible plot involving the Japanese and the bombing of Pearl harbor.

Basically it was a load of trash.

Once this show was over you were allowed to open the secret documents. This featured a single side of questions about the show, what did you think of x, how would you change y etc.

Then the assembled crowd were offered a couple more sweets to keep us going.

Onto the second show.

A cheap rip of Spin City with Michael J Fox. It was amusing only so far as I can laugh at any cheap American comedy. Clearly made in the 80s it was more shoulder pads, big hair and easy laughs. The plot of this episode comprised of a line about the county cemetery sliding down a hill. The City manager had to solve this problem, whilst battling a daughter who had just returned home from college and was proposing to have sex with a married man under her mother's roof.

Basicly it was a load of trash.

Once that show was over everyone returned to the second page of the top secret documents. Again more questions about what worked / didn't work / who was funny / wasn't funny.

Now here is the sinister bit, I am naturally cynical, I had lowered my guard somewhat since we had arrived. I had been on alert for the phrase "Has anyone ever considered time share ?" or "Everyone knows pyramid selling doesn't work, but our founder has designed the hexagonal marketing system." None of these had been uttered at any point and I relaxed into evening.

Then however we were re-shown one of the adverts that had been on during the commercial breaks of the programmes we'd watched. It was for, drum roll please.... Vicks Hand Sanitiser. After that we filled in another prize book, selecting more products we'd like to get as a prize, hair color, breakfast cereals and cold and flu remedies. These prize books where put into the magic box and a different volunteer selected three more prize winners.

Here the evening hit a home run as far as I am concerned, the pretty lady read out my name. Fantastic. Our hero wins a prize.

So with that over we were referred back to the advert, remember Vicks Hand Sanitiser, there then followed about 6 pages of questions. Now these people are clearly pros, as not all the pages were numbered you know like normal people count, 1... 2... 3... no this bunch of clowns used special pages like 4A and 4B to try and trick you.

The entire Vicks Hand Sanitiser debacle took about 45 minutes, it included questions like did the advert make you feel empowered. When watching the advert what was the main message (To sell hand stuff... incase you were unsure.)

Afterwards, it becomes clear that the entire thing was a ruse, and whilst not trying to flog me on trapezoid selling schemes, I wasn't there for my opinions on City the new hip sitcom, or the Pearl Harbor conspiracy thing, no sir. I was being used as easy prey for evil market research by.....THE MAN.

The ordeal ends with all those who won prize baskets being given an envelope - I'm still expecting a big bag of groceries as a prize based on the data we've put in the "prize book" - I open the envelope and in it I find $40, in cash.

Yes you see, the "prize book" was merely another tool in the insidious market researchers arsenal.

Let's not be to dramatic, I didn't come home with a new religion or some crazy red string on my wrist. I did come home with $40.

When you work it out, $20 an hour isn't bad, for me. If however someone approached you and said

"Hi, I'm from Dick, Prick and Whore market research. We'd like to keep you in a room for two hours, show you some crappy 80s TV with a gallon of adverts. Then pick your brain about just one for some inane product. You could have a chance to win some cash but they'll be 200 people there and the chance is about 3% and after that it is only $40"


You tell them to stick right. Lesson learned !